Boundaries with Kids: A Book Review

It was nearly four years ago that I first read Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

I can honestly say that it was one of the most practical and useful books I have ever read about relationships.  I found that what I read impacted the way I encouraged leaders in ministry, communicated with my family, and saw the way I engaged in conflict with Jason. 

For a long time afterwards, I could be found running about town saying over and over again in different situations, “I have boundary issues” or “That sounds like a boundary issue to me.”  I’m like this when it comes to things I have enjoyed, find stretching, and want to put into practice—moving information from my head to my heart. 

So when my Little Love arrived late last spring, one of the books I knew I wanted to read was Boundaries with Kids.*  I borrowed it from the library and finished it this week.  It is a book I plan to order and keep on my shelf so I am able to return to it again and again and again.

The guiding principles of this book are 10 Biblical boundaries that help us live healthy lives in relationship with others.  These are the same boundaries as in the Boundaries book; however, the focus in this book is how parents help their children to develop boundaries as they grow.  In this way, they begin to take control of their lives in ways that are appropriate for their stage of development—from infancy all the way through adolescence and beyond.

As I read, I found myself thinking about my boundary issues once again.  It was a good reminder that I still have boundary issues and I still need to work on them.  I thought about how some of my boundary issues developed as I considered my parents and their own boundary issues, alongside their parenting challenges with me and my siblings.  It was fascinating and left me feeling compassionate toward them as I realized that many of their own boundary issues have much to do with their own upbringing as well.  In the midst of this, I thought a lot about the many years ahead of me with my Little Love and parenting with boundaries.  I can’t recommend a book more highly.

There were many concepts that I found interesting, but there are two that I want to take hold of and begin to put into practice as I parent my baby right now.  

First, it is a child’s job to test boundaries.  It is my job, as the parent, to keep them in place.  This may seem very obvious, but I can already tell that this will be difficult to practice.  In reflecting, I realize that I have lived and still often live trying to have others like me.  That mode of operation does not really work here all of the time.  I will have to deal with disappointment.  I will have to deal with anger and frustration.  I will have to remind myself that this is okay, because sometimes doing the right thing will not be what my Little Love wants. In the midst of this, I will be helping her to learn to deal with the emotions that we all feel sometimes.

Still being an infant, most of my parenting up to this point has involved creating a safe and loving home and redirecting my baby, not dealing with boundary issues.  However, I have seen this principle at play with nap time over the last three months.  It has taken time to train her, but now my Little Love goes down awake for most of her naps.  The journey to get to this point was painfully hard, trying to decide if her fussing was crying and if she was crying because she wanted me to come back into the room or because she really needed something.  Persevering has been worth it.  Now she fusses and sometimes cries a little when it takes her a little while to fall asleep, but then she sleeps well and wakes up happy.  

I want to remember this small success when we have moved on to more difficult types of boundary issues! 

The second thing I want to hang onto is the need to be surrounded with community.  Sometimes putting boundaries into action is hard.  Sticking to boundaries can be hard.  It can be really hard and still be the right thing to do.  Community is there to encourage me when I need to vent, to cry, to be frustrated with and still love my child. 

I have some wonderful friends who have done life with me.  They have been a source of much needed wisdom and encouragement when I have needed it.  However, I am reminded I need to be intentional in this season of life where our paths do not cross as often anymore to seek out support so that my parenting is not done in a vacuum.  I need to be surrounded by other moms who want to seek Christ as they parent and lift one another and our children up before Him and give thanks and plead for mercy as we walk through the trials of the moment.

***

I thought of all this when I heard two young girls pushing their mama’s buttons at Kroger yesterday in the checkout lane next to mine, I listened as she tried to juggle their energy and a conveyor of groceries.  I watched them leave the store knocking one another about, one falling in front of my cart, and I saw this mama get frustrated.  My heart went out to her as I remembered being that child to my own mother. 

I also may have just begun talking about this book on boundaries and how it is the kids job to test them with the person was walking nearby as I wheeled my own Little Love to the car.  She told me that she was so glad her kids were grown and I hoped as I was putting groceries into the back seat that at the end of this season with my baby girl that I will be glad I embraced the challenge of raising her with boundaries.

***

Grace and peace be yours in abundance as you pursue healthy relationships.  May God guide you in the midst of frustration to a place of health in the midst of the loving encouragement of community.

Jessica :)

*I discovered that there is an updated version of the book as I was writing this post.  It was put out three years after the version I read.  

Planted By Streams

Read the words of Psalm 1.  Sit with them.  Think upon them.  Be changed by them. 

“Blessed is the one

    who does not walk in step with the wicked

or stand in the way that sinners take

    or sit in the company of mockers,

but whose delight is in the law of the LORD,

    and who meditates on his law day and night.

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,

    which yields its fruit in season

and whose leaf does not wither—

    whatever they do prospers.

Not so the wicked!

     They are like chaff

     that the wind blows away.

Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,

    nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,

     but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.”

This week…

Commit to being one who delights in the word of God. 

Pull out your Bible. 

Read it.  Listen to it.  Delight in it.

Sit with the words. 

Wrestle with them. 

Steep in their truth. 

Ask God to give you a hunger for His truth. 

Ask God to teach you. 

Ask God to help you to believe that which you would rather not. 

Ask Him to change you. 

Ask Him to make you like a tree planted by streams of water—refreshed, filled, and bearing fruit. 

Ask Him to help you live that which you read. 

For this is the way to know the heart of God.  He reveals who He is through His word.  He teaches us about His will for the world.  He helps us to recognize the voice of His Holy Spirit, which always agrees with Scripture, so that we can learn to respond in the moment to His nudges.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we seek God by immersing ourselves in the Word of God.  May we find that we become more of who God desires as we sit with His word, and surrender to the transformation He wants to work in our lives through it.  As we do may we find that we are more in love with Jesus; more effective in sharing God’s Story, proclaiming Christ; more aware of the places where we need to respond in repentance; and more in tune to the ways in which we should be in prayer for our families, our friends, our leaders, our country, and for the hurts of the world. 

Jessica :)

P.S.  Thank you to my dear husband for taking such a fun photo.

Whatever You Do

I still remember standing before the dining hall at Scioto Hills before meal time.  Campers would congregate on the verandah conversing and laughing before breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Then, one of the camp directors would gather the attention of the crowd; and we would quiet to, collectively, take part in a wonderful ritual. 

It was a time to stop and remember what life is meant to be about--God's glory. 

Together, hundreds of kids would recite Scripture together:

“1 Corinthians 10:31.  Whether you eat or drink or whatsoever you do, do it all to the glory of God.”

I still remember that mealtime verse fondly. 

Really, it’s a verse for all the time and everyday.

So, friends…

Whether you eat or drink…

Whether you are talking to your roommate, your spouse, your child, your student, your grocery bagger, or a telemarketer…

Whether you are behind the slow person on the highway, the one who is obeying the traffic laws, or the one who cuts you off…

Whether you are talking with someone who shares your opinion or someone who seems like they have come from a foreign planet…

Whether you are making dinner, cleaning toilets, or figuring something out with a person at your corporate headquarters or on the phone in Costa Rica…

…whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we seek to live each moment bringing glory to Jesus.

Jessica :)

An Iron Year

This weekend, Jason and I celebrated our sixth anniversary.

Over the last year, I have become more aware of how God has used marriage to shape me.  It is like a spiritual discipline—slowly shaping me into more of who God wants me to be.  It is practiced one interaction, one choice, and one word at a time. 

In his book, Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas writes, “The real transforming work of marriage is the twenty-four-hours-a-day, seven-days-a-week commitment.  This is the crucible that grinds and shapes us into the character of Jesus Christ.  Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life.  […] Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value, and I slowly began to understand that the real purpose of my marriage may not be happiness as much as it is holiness.”

It is really fitting that I have been more aware of this shaping this year.  It is the iron year.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” 

This is the way of marriage.  It shapes and it transforms.

I am so thankful that it does.

I handle conflict differently now.  I have good and authentic friendships now.  I choose to tackle the things that I am afraid of now.  I am writing this blog now.  These are all fruits of Jason gently encouraging me, speaking the truth in love to me, holding me accountable, and making me do the things I tried to avoid. 

I am thankful for the way God uses our relationship to shape me.  I tell Jason this, over dinner. 

I am delighted when he tells me our marriage is shaping him too.  I see it.

I marvel that all this has happened in six years of trusting God together.  They seem like short years.  I wonder.  What might possibly happen when we submit ourselves out of reverence for Christ for the whole of our marriage?

I think we just may be wrought into something beautiful by the hand of God.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  May we discover that as our love for Christ is central to our love for one another God shapes us, transforms us and makes us holy.

Jessica :)

Fruit of Discipline

It is late as I sit in the leather recliner, curled up in a blanket, watching the qualification round of women’s gymnastics.  The USA looks dominant on vault, steady on bars and beam.  The commentators talk about how this is no surprise.  They call these five gymnasts the Fab Five—likening them unto the Maginifcent Seven—contenders for a gold medal.

As these young ladies begin their final rotation—floor— the talk is all about the three that have competed on all the events.  Gaby, Ali, and Jordyn—are the ones competing for spots in the all around final.  The difference between their All-Around scores is so close that any of them could make the Olympic All-Around finals, which is the dream of every gymnast.  As I watch, I’m not sure who to cheer for, because I know only two of them are able to do this.  Do I cheer for the underdog?  Or do I cheer for the one who has been on top of the world?  Going into the rotation it looks like Gaby is the only one who will be in for sure.

As I watch, I can’t help but reflect on my own experience.  I know a tiny bit of what they have gone through to get there.  I competed in gymnastics until I was 13 at the gym of two former Olympians who know what gold is like.  I don't know what Olympic gold is like, but I do know what it is like to spend hours in the gym each week.  I trained 15½ hours weekly.  These ladies double that amount, at least.  They train for hours on the events and nearly as many on conditioning their bodies.  They wake up early in the morning to practice.  They go to school.  Then they come back later and practice some more.  They do it because they love it.  They do it because they dream of this moment.

It takes tremendous discipline to do what they do.

As I think about this, I reflect on the similarities between these athletes and the discipline of discipleship.

Paul writes to Timothy to coach him, “Train yourself to be godly.  For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come […]  Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress” 

1 Timothy 4:7-8,15 NIV.

Gymnasts train their bodies physically to do routines perfectly; I train my heart, so that it might be godly. 

Gymnasts do many push-ups, sit-ups, lunges and all sorts of muscle building exercises.  They do repetition after repetition of a turn, a tumbling pass, a move on each event.  They build strength.  They build muscle memory by doing it over and over again.  They learn to focus well in each moment of each routine, so that on the day of competition their bodies do what they have been trained to do.

I want to seek God like this.  I want to allow Scripture to sink deep into my heart, so I don’t just read it and forget it.  I want to read it and live it.  So I train. 

I train to listen for God’s voice as I pray, so that I might learn to hear it and respond in the midst of my day.  There are days where I do well.  There are also days when I get distracted from what is important.  I try to learn how to stay focused.  I make mistakes.  I come back and start over and try to do it differently next time.  I balk afraid.  Then, I begin to learn how to surrender and respond, trusting I can do what my coach, the Spirit, tells me I can do. 

This is part of training--learning to make adjustments when I don't get it right, learning to try again.  It is only in working through the problems that I can begin to get it right.

They’re training to become Olympic champions.  The next few days will show whether they will be or not.

Me, I’m training to become like Christ.  It happens one day at a time, one moment at a time.  And by God’s grace, in the someday, I will be.

In the meantime, I’ll be enjoying as I watch the fruit of discipline in the lives of these amazing athletes.

“Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training.  They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.” 1 Corinthians 9:25 NIV

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we train in godliness.  As we seek Him may we find that we become more like our teacher, our rabbi, Jesus.  May we rejoice in the transformation that He works in us—as we learn from mistakes and build on the fruitful places.

Jessica :)