Of Strong Ankles, Fullness of Life, and His Perfect Way

I have been in the midst of the BRAVE journey with Crossroads and many other churches in our city.  This week I spent some time meditating as a part of a group work challenge.  There were two other options that probably would have stretched me in terms of experience a little bit more, but I didn’t have time to do them before the first of my groups met on Tuesday morning.  So I went with a practice that I enjoy and practice more regularly than the other options presented. 

***

The instructions are to pick up to five passages from a list of about ten.  I begin looking at the list and quickly find myself reciting most of the Scriptures based only on their location.  I come to the last one Psalm 18:30-36.  I am not familiar with this passage at all.  I think to myself, “I guess this is the one I’ll use.”  To be honest, I am feeling a bit obstinate and based on the other passages in the mix I have no clue how this Psalm could possibly relate to me and the area of my life God has been inviting me to be BRAVE in. 

I grab my Bible, open it up and began to read.

“As for God, his way is perfect:
    The Lord’s word is flawless;
    he shields all who take refuge in him.

For who is God besides the Lord?
    And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
    and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
    he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
    my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
    and your right hand sustains me;
    your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
    so that my ankles do not give way.”

                                                -Psalm18:30-36 (NIV)

It is when I reach this last verse that I stop in wonder: “You provide a broad path for my feet, so that my ankles do not give way.” 

God gently reaches down into my proud and skeptical heart and sets me straight.

In that one line he reminds me of what he has done in my life and what he wants to do as I trust him right now.

Once upon a time, my left ankle gave out again and again.  Three times in six months when I was a sophomore in high school; again in my senior year; and then four years later as I was looking forward to a honeymoon full of hiking.  With several of the sprains, including the last one, nothing happened to jar my ankle. I took a step or shifted my weight and it just gave way.

It was a time when I was so fearful.  After the last sprain, I remember wearing my air cast weeks after the six weeks it was to be worn were over.  I didn’t want to be using crutches on my wedding day.  I worried over the hiking that Jason and I would be doing—would my ankle just roll while were out?  The image of feeling of my ankle collapsing, the icky sound and the pain played over and over again in my mind.  It was awful. 

Now, in this moment God is reminding me of that time in my life. 

He is reminding me of how He met me there and healed me.  Through a time of unexpected prayer for healing He gave me back my ankle. 

I remember how for months afterwards, I had a hard time leaving that image behind me.  I didn’t know what healing looked like.  I kept wondering if it would be the next hike or simply walking down the sidewalk that my ankle would roll.  Even now, if I let myself, I can still hear the sound, picture the rolling, and feel the pain.  The memory is one full of fear.

It has only been trusting God’s healing one day at a time that has brought me to a new place, a better place, a freer place.  I walk with my family and speak praise when my ankle begins to roll and instead of buckling it corrects and holds strong.  Instead of walking in fear, I walk in His power.

In this moment I am wowed.  I reminded of all he has done for me.  I am led to a place of gratitude.  This is really how God wants me to come to Him and His Word--with praise for what He has done in my life and expecting Him to act in my life right now--ready to receive the His good gifts.  I read the passage again.

At first I see more feet.  “He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he causes me to stand on the heights.”  What agility a deer has!  What beauty can be seen from the heights!  I think of places I have hiked.  The views I have seen.  It is in His perfect way and in His security I stand on those heights.  What new heights might He be leading me to climb?

Then, I notice how He trains me.  “He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze.”  I imagine what that is like and I feel energized, ready, empowered.

He not only trains, He protects.  “You make your saving help my shield, and your right hand sustains me.”  I feel upheld in the midst of difficulty.

I read, “Your help has made me great.”  David, who wrote this Psalm recognizes that he is not just surviving.  God is doing something bigger than he could do himself.  God's help has made him great.  I tend to think about how it is God who is great and he is.  But it seems God wants to do great things in us too.  I can’t help but wonder if this is all part of his plan to reveal his glory.  That is a new thought.  He wants me to be great with his help and by his power, not apart from it.  I do not think of myself as great.  What might greatness look like in my life?

Then, those words again!  “You provide a broad path for my feet so that my ankles do not give way.”

For whatever reason, I think about the words of Jesus that say “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”  (Matthew 7:13-14)  What amazes me is that God’s perfect way, this narrow road that leads to life, is broad enough.  It is a sure path.  It is a good path!  This is not about pain or failure or fear.  This is about healing and wholeness and good in my life! 

I look back to the beginning again.  “As for God, his way is perfect:  The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.  For who is God besides the Lord?  And who is the Rock except our God?  It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.”

And I wonder what it looks like to take refuge in God in the fullness of life anyway.  I sit and consider this for awhile.  As I do words well up.

I wiggle and squirm

With thoughts of dishes and dinner undone.

It is here you invite me to sit

In Your presence. 

{Held}

It is here you remind me

You are

Refuge.

Rock.

Right here in the fullness of my life

Not apart from it.

You are inviting me

into

Your

perfect

way.

The path is wide

So that my ankles will not give way.

I begin to realize that it is in the midst of my full life God wants to remind me of who he is.  It is in the midst of my full life that God wants to lead me to stand on the heights.  It is in the midst of my full life He trains me so that I am energized, equipped, empowered—ready for all He leads me toward.  In the midst of my full life He protects and upholds me.  In the midst of my full life He leads me towards a greatness that reveals His glory.  In the midst of my full life He is leading me towards wholeness, healing and good.  He is my Rock.  He is my refuge and by His power He keeps my way secure.  

I rest in all of this, thankful.

I feel invited to step out into his perfect way, knowing the path is wide so my ankles will not give way.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we allow God to meet us right where we are at—in the fullness of our life—and lead us into his perfect way.  May we learn to step with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  The path is wide and our ankles will not give way.

Jessica :)

P.S.  The photo was taken during a trip to Canyonlands National Park during the first year we lived in Utah.

Knots*

Thinking of this poem after choosing to walk into fear and out in freedom on the other side this week.  Giving thanks for moments like these as tough as they are.

The knots in my stomach—

Tighten and Constrict.

On and off.

Again and again.

All. Day.

As the thought of tonight’s event

Forms in my mind—

Drawing closer and closer,

Minute by minute.

A knot is added to a lengthening chain—

New people—new knot.

Alone to navigate a new place—another knot.

And it feels like I’d rather not go.

I’ve a swirled chain rattling my interior.

And I think I just might be sick.

So I gasp air and grab hold of Truth—

“God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity.”

Deep breath.  Relax.  Believe.

“The spirit God gives is power, love, and self-discipline.”

My mind assents.

The knot remains.

So too, the Truth.

Two forces battling—

One solid rock.

Other shifting sand.

I breathe deep and go forth clinging to Truth.

I walk in the reality of the moment—

One step in front of the other—

Anxiety is quelled.

 

Taking one moment at a time.

Immersed in that solid Truth.

The Spirit God goes with me.

Giving courage to tackle

One obstacle at a time.

His presence near.

The knots relax—slow.

Truth has won.

Peace reigns.

And the joyous glow of His victory

Burns brightly in my heart.

Sometimes discipleship is like this--clinging tightly to Truth and trusting God one step at a time.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we cling to Truth and push through fear trusting God, one step at at time.  May we discover that He is able to walk us through more than we think we can handle.  May we find joy in the freedom that follows obedient faith.

Jessica :)

*Reposted from the archives

Eager as the Little Ones

It would seem…

The new act of parenting is as fall.

Life as it were

surrenders

dropping in dazzling color,

Fading

to a pleasing,

fallen,

crunchy brown.

Moving fast into winter—

Barren and cold and strikingly beautiful.

(Those tired smiles are genuine and true.)

Inside

the life rings grow,

the roots deepen,

The days stretch out—

Long and gray.

We long.

We hope.

We wonder.

Will spring come? 

And then…

One day it does!  Buds popping, trees leafing, sun shining, winds blowing.

We

rush

into

ALL

THIS

as

if

for

the

first

time!

Eager as the little ones who lead the way to exploring LIFE!

New and fresh and gloriously abundant again.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we embrace the seasons of life in all their beauty.  As we do may we trust that God uses each with skillful purpose growing us more into the image of Christ as we allow Him to work in and through us.

Jessica :)

A New Variation

The beat goes on.

But the rhythms—

they’re changing.

So I pause…

in pregnant

Rest.

Preparing for a new movement,

a shift in life’s seasons.

Embracing the gift of what has been,

while looking to intentionally step into what will be.

It will be a new variation.

Its core Essence the same

As Jason and I explore rhythms with Crossroads I find myself wondering what rhythms of life will be like with the addition of a Little Love.  Maybe it will look a little like this?

I think of how I have taught and read about spiritual rhythms.  I think of how during pregnancy I have been trying to be open to changing rhythms while still keeping Christ central to them.  I think of our family rhythms—the ones we have followed well and the ones where we have sometimes skipped a beat or two.  I think about the patterns worth holding onto and others that can be let go.  I think about others that are, as yet, unknown and untried. 

I want to be intentional in the way I live as a person, a wife, a parent.  I want to be intentional about the way we live as a family.

I think this is the most important thing—to let Christ shape the rhythms that form and change as life does too. 

So I’m waiting in this pregnant pause...

…and choosing to trust the One who will pick the variation for the next season in life.

I know Him.  His Essence is will permeate whatever it holds.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we step into each new season of life surrendered to Christ and allowing him to lead us to the rhythms of abundant life.

Jessica :)

P.S.  Just in case you were curious about the rhythms series this was the video portion of a video/live rhythmic immersion.  Enjoy!

Faith Has Feet

“Faith has feet.”

Recognizing my role as priest

to carry blessing to all the world.

Beginning right here—

in my home.

Like baking cookies and walking the block,

carrying sweet blessing to neighbors yet unknown.

Moving outward.

Like noticing the older woman in the store

as she questions, “Where is the chocolate milk?”

and backtracking to listen and point her in the right direction.

Slowing to live love

like this—

small moments made important,

each an act of worship—

impacting someone’s world.

“How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, “Your God reigns!””  Isaiah 52:7

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we respond to Christ by living love, learning daily the truth and blessing of putting Angus Buchan’s words into practice: “Faith has feet.  It’s a doing word."

Jessica :)

Digging Through the Grime

Jason and I are in the middle of moving into our new home.  As we do this we are also participating in “A Journey Home” with our family at Crossroads.  I am sharing a little bit about how the physical and the spiritual are matching up in life right now as we do both.  I hope we will all grow in the midst of this journey home.  You can read the whole of this journey series here.

***

One thing Jason and I noticed as we began to prepare for the move to our new home was how dirty it was.  It is not unusual to clean before you move into a new home. I have done that several times.  However, this was certainly the least clean place we have planned to live.  I am not sure how the family who lived here before us made themselves step into the grime and mold and mildew that would have touched their body in the shower.  I don’t think I could do it.

Yet, I wonder.  Is it easier to just live in our grime?

This week, in our journey home, we were invited to explore some things as it related to our fathers and how we grew up.  We were asked to think about three or four descriptions of our fathers or the parent who raised us.  Then we were to think about how these characteristics affected us.  From here, we followed a trail from the way we responded in the midst of our parental relationship to how it might influence our relationship with authority figures and our view of God. 

It was really helpful to consider this.

As I sat in my seat during the Saturday night service writing in my guide, I was surprised by what I learned and remembered about myself.

It was as I was thinking about my dad leaving my mom and our family when I was a junior in high school that I remembered how I felt.  I remembered the night he told us he was leaving and how I was disappointed in his failure to do the right thing.  I considered the bitterness that I experienced during college and how it was prayer that took the sting away to leave me just sad for what had been lost. 

As I pushed through these memories I uncovered one more, the way it felt when he was gone. 

I didn’t feel safe anymore. 

I was unaware that I had felt safe until the safety was gone.  I imagine it was a lack of physical safety as my mom would go to work at the hospital for her night shift, despite my siblings being in the home.  I think it was probably a lack of emotional safety too.  If family wasn’t safe, what was?

As I considered how this affects my relationship with authority figures and God it seems to me that it left me with trust issues, which I already struggled with due to some bad experiences with friends in the past.  It left me wanting to take control in some situations and feeling helpless in others.  I think this pretty well describes some aspects of my relationship with God.  I find it difficult to surrender and let go of control.

I do not mean to suggest that all of my trust issues stem from this one event, important as it was in my life.  We all have trust issues. 

They stem from the enemy of God planting seeds of doubt in each of our lives, just as he did with Adam and Eve: “Did God really say you must not eat from any tree in the garden?” 

For us he might be asking any number of questions: "Are you sure you can trust God with your cares?", "Are you sure God isn't going to be angry when you tell him about the mistake you made?", "Are you sure that God will love you even though you failed?" or "Are you sure that God will not leave you stranded?"

As a result of the fall we are all spiritual orphans, looking for home.

In our small group this week, we were challenged to dig through that which has affected the way we relate to God to discover what is true about him.

I am considering how “God isn’t leaving.”

I am reading Psalm 9:10 over and over again trying to hide its truth in my heart.

“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

As I do this, I am digging through the layers of grime in my own life coming from experiences and beliefs that I hold about God.  I am scrubbing through that which is false to claim what is true.

It is kind of like the hours I spent scrubbing the shower.  I rubbed through greens and browns and pinks to find the white solid surface underneath.  It took time to get through the grime, but a comfortable home, I want to live in, lay on the other side. 

This is true of seeking the truth about God.  His true character is worth discovering.  In Him, I find my real home.  I do not have to be an orphan.  I can claim my identity as adopted child.

“But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.  Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out “Abba, Father.”  So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.”  Galatians 4:4-7

I’m seeking truth and running for home.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we consider how we relate to God and some of the ways we might have been affected by our experiences and past beliefs.  As we surrender these to the truth that God reveals to us in His word, may we find we come running home to him embracing sonship.

Jessica :)

 

P.S.  Thank you to my mother-in-law, Linda Holmes, for letting me use the photo she snapped while I was scrubbing down the tub in the bathroom :)

Heart Prayer

“It is the heart that prays, it is to the voice of the heart that God listens and it is the heart that he answers.” –Jean-Nicholas Grou, quoted in Prayer (p.132)

This week…

Let the cry of your heart rise before God.

Know that He hears the deep places of joy, pain and longing.

Listen as He responds to your heart.

Be open to the places He challenges you to trust Him.

Respond to the ways He invites you to act in new ways.

Live fully aware of His presence.

 ***

“Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him and he helps me.

My heart leaps for joy and with my song I praise Him.”  Psalm 28:6-7

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we cry out with our hearts and wait on the Lord knowing that He hears, He loves, and He answers.

Jessica :)

To Comfort All Who Mourn

It was about this time last year when I found myself trying to control the tears that just kept coming.  I had just been lost by my husband, somewhere around the bath cabinets & sinks room, at IKEA.  He must have darted down one of the many short cuts.  I was walking a bit slower and missed seeing which way he went to pursue the cabinet we had come to purchase for our new apartment. 

At that moment, something in me snapped.  The emotions began to force their way out and all I could do was duck down a row near the drying racks and hope no one saw me.  The tears came out in ugly heaving sobs and I just kept cycling a few words in my head, trying to calm myself.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  

I intentionally took breaths through my mouth, long and slow.  However, it still took me a few minutes to get myself somewhat composed.  When I felt like I could make my way to the warehouse space, full of flat boxes and palettes, without bursting into another round of tears,  I stepped out from behind the drying racks to head on my way.

Immediately, a young couple, who must have seen my emotional collapse asked, “Are you okay?”

I responded, my voice wavering, “I will be fine.”  It was as though I was willing it to be so.

Their kindness warmed my heart, but almost set the tears flowing again.  I was not fine, but hopefully I would be, maybe after I had a chance to process what had just happened.  I had never burst into tears before in public, at least not since I was a child. 

I rushed on, repeating in my head, breathe.  Just breathe.

I made my way through lighting and textiles.  As I found my way to the outdoors area, I found Jason walking back to find me.  I was agitated and I’m afraid I was not very kind to him. 

He was kind, though.  He tried to help me process what had just happened.  I couldn’t figure it out.

It wasn’t until a short time later, when I was a weepy mess over the grocery list and our menu for the week that something began to be clear. 

This was really that.

The pressures of each of these moments were doorways to the inward grief I was feeling.  The tears were outlets for the grief I was feeling about our move away from our home and life as we knew it in Utah.  The tears were for the changes I was experiencing since our move back to Ohio too.  I did not know where I fit in life anymore.

It is not unusual to grieve when change comes, whether a big change or a small one.  In fact, it is a good thing. 

Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NIV).

I was experiencing a big change; and in the midst of it, I was mourning.

Trustworthy were His words.  Comfort came.  It didn’t come all at once, but slowly, over time. 

I began to see that Jesus knew the truth of these words because He would bring the comfort.  He is as Paul says, the “God of all comfort” and “our comfort abounds in Christ.” 

It was as I was reading Jesus' words to His disciples that I began to understand this again.    

It was almost like He was speaking to me:  “Jessica, do not let your heart be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if it were not so, would I have told you I am going there to prepare a place for you, Jessica?”

In that moment, I began to take comfort in Him.  He knew I was troubled.  I did not know where I fit, but He did.  If I would trust Him, He would show me.  I could grieve.  I could wonder.  I could wrestle.  I could cry.  He would provide comfort. 

As I recognized this, I began to settle into my new home.  I began to embrace my role as homemaker and focus on the relationships and opportunities before me.  New patterns of life for a new place emerged.  

I discovered comfort was found in a person, just as Scripture said it would be, Jesus Christ.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me […] to comfort all who mourn” (Isaiah 61:1-2).

This year, I look toward the smaller changes the fall is bringing with it. 

Mostly, I am looking forward to the changes--excited; though, I know a bit of mourning will happen along the way. 

Yet, I’m not alone.  My mourning will be met with comfort, because the God of comfort goes with me, every step of the way.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we mourn.  May we discover for the first time or the hundredth that Jesus meets our mourning with comfort when we turn toward Him.  May we find peace in moving where He leads.

Jessica :)

P.S.  Thank you to my husband who let me use his photo from Orchard Beach State Park in Michigan.

The Servant I Uphold

We begin the late morning session of the Leadership Summit with the introduction of a speaker, by the president of International Justice Mission, Gary Haugen.  He talks of one of his heroines—Pranitha Timothy—the leader of IJM aftercare in Chennai, India.

 

As his video fades, Pranitha stands on stage, slight and pretty, and begins to talk.  She tells of her life in India as the child of missionaries.  When she was sent to school she wanted nothing to do with God.  Instead, she describes herself as her classmates did—cold and calculating.  It’s amazing, really.  This woman on the stage couldn’t possibly have been that, could she?  She tells of the emptiness and desperation she felt and of a moment when she found herself broken before God and ready to respond to Jesus.

She reads to us a passage of Scripture.

"Here is my servant, whom I uphold,

   my chosen one in whom I delight;

I will put my Spirit on him,

   and he will bring justice to the nations.

He will not shout or cry out,

   or raise his voice in the streets.

A bruised reed he will not break,

   and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.

In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

    he will not falter or be discouraged

till he establishes justice on earth.

    In his teaching the islands will put their hope."

This is what God the LORD says—

the creator of the heavens, who stretches them out,

     who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it,

     who gives breath to its people

     and life to those who walk on it:

“I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness;

      I will take hold of your hand.

I will keep you and will make you

     to be a covenant for the people

     and a light for the Gentiles,

to open eyes that are blind,

to free captives from prison

and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.”

     Isaiah 42:1-7 NIV

 

Pranitha tells of how God spoke to her, saying that she would be His servant; and He would do all this through her.   Now she tells of how He has done this through her.  She talks of losing her voice.  When it came back she says it was as we hear it, “feeble.”  Her voice is a bit scratchy, but if I had to describe it I would say she speaks gently. 

As she continues, she talks of brothels and work camps and rescue.  She tells of rescues that go as planned and others that don’t go as expected.  She describes a situation in which IJM goes to rescue workers from a camp.  When the team arrives the captives have been moved.  They discover the truck and the authorities make them return to the camp for evidence of some sort.  The prisoners try to describe that it is a trap and it will be dangerous, to no avail.  When they arrive at the work camp, the captors are waiting, armed and angry.  They begin to pray and a strange thing happens.  The criminals become confused and begin fighting amongst themselves.   Everyone is able to escape safely.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be amazed, but I am.  All this in a woman who is slight and gentle and lovely.  I think she must have the leadership of Deborah and the faith of Rahab.  Her miraculous story sounds like something straight out of the Bible to me—where battles are confused and prison doors are opened.  These kinds of miracles happen today.  I know this, but it is so out of my realm of experience. 

Is this what Jesus talked about when he said, “I tell you the truth anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father” (John 14:12 NLT)? 

I wonder why don’t I experience things like this?  Is it a lack of faith or trust?  Am I just not in situations that require me to believe because my survival depends on it? 

What is it about this woman who leads as God’s servant?

Pranitha tells all who listen that she is not a hero. 

She says, “We are [all] called to serve by a God who is already at work.” 

In the midst of this, she talks about how important it is to believe that our lives are not our own.  When we believe this, we trust that our lives are safer in God’s hands than our own—even in the midst of a band of angry criminals.  We don’t have to be afraid to obey.

She also reminds us that God is good.  She says that even when what we see and experience in the world is hard when we trust that God is good it gives us hope. 

I reflect on this. 

I am called to serve, by a God who is already at work.  He invites me to join Him—to trust, follow and obey.  

In doing this, I may not experience the visible miracles that Pranitha has.  Yet, what if there are heart miracles going on around me all the time as I trust God—in the midst of a conversation with my neighbor or with the cashier at the grocery store.  Is it possible that when I trust in these small moments, I can be confident when other more acute situations arise, I will find that God meets me there too?

I wonder; and as I think about how these situations require me to trust, I think I understand why Pranitha said she wasn’t a hero.  I think it is because she realizes the real hero has upheld her in the midst of the most dangerous situations.  She is the servant.  She must trust God—the hero—to save.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we embrace our role as servants.  As we trust him, by following in obedience, may we find that he provides for every need—the expected and the unexpected.  May we find that he works in us by doing the same things that Christ did and even greater ones—whether conversations or miracles—through the Holy Spirit.  May it bring us to joy and greater trust in our hero—Jesus Christ.

Jessica :)