For the Tired and Weary

After I lay my Little Love down, I find my way to the love seat where my Bible and journal sit tucked in a bin nearby.  I pull them out and set them beside me while I pile on the blankets.  I grab my Bible and pause, holding it in my left hand.  I could open to my bookmark in John and read, my heart, my body weary.  Instead, I pause to breathe deeply and to talk to God: 

God, I have come.  I have come after a challenging day yesterday.   I had hoped for a fresh start in the morning.  I had hoped to leave the tantrums of yesterday behind with sleep, but that didn’t happen.  I realize that my girl is tired.  I noticed that she has a gum bulging with a new tooth waiting to come through.  It must hurt.  I know there is an explanation for much of her behavior, though I don’t understand it all.  I am having a really hard time being all here and all in control.  I don’t want to be the problem in my day.  That was me yesterday.  I don’t want that to be me today.  I don’t want to raise my voice.  I don’t want to speak in clipped, sharp tones.  I want to see her cues and respond like You would, Jesus. 

As I talk of this, I think to myself how much I am like my child before God.  I hurt, I grow cranky and tired.  I am uncooperative and I lash out, most often with my tongue.  I am disobedient.  Since I am tired and weary when my Little Love behaves this way, I imagine that when I am like my girl God must feel like me—tired and weary. 

At this thought, your answer comes swiftly. 

No! No! No!  

You speak ever so gently. 

You may be like her.  But I do not feel like you.  Don’t you remember?   I do not grow tired or weary.

The words of a song I learned at camp, one Jr. High summer long ago, come to mind. 

“Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” - Isaiah 40:28-29 

Oh, how you comfort me with your words.  You meet me where I am—tired and weary.  You promise to give me strength and to increase my power.  My circumstances may not change, but You change me in them. 

I often forget it, but you God, you are holy.  You are set apart.  You are so very different than me.  I am broken.  You are whole.  You are gentle.  You love me perfectly in my brokenness and lead me towards wholeness.  You are able to do so much more than I can imagine. 

I open the Bible in my hand and begin searching to find these words in Isaiah 40. 

The words of promise continue. 

“Even youths grow tired and weary; and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  -Isaiah 40:30-31 

I grab hold of your promises.  I take that which you have promised and claim it for myself today circling all the behaviors and tantrums and exhaustion and pain and whatever may arise in prayer.  I am placing my hope in the Lord.  I know that whatever comes, you will give me the strength to bear it with your heart for my sweet girl.  Knowing this, I find that inwardly I am soaring. 

*** 

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we trust in the promises of God and claim them for ourselves today.   May He bear us up and lead us to live abundantly in all things. 

Jessica :)

Eager as the Little Ones

It would seem…

The new act of parenting is as fall.

Life as it were

surrenders

dropping in dazzling color,

Fading

to a pleasing,

fallen,

crunchy brown.

Moving fast into winter—

Barren and cold and strikingly beautiful.

(Those tired smiles are genuine and true.)

Inside

the life rings grow,

the roots deepen,

The days stretch out—

Long and gray.

We long.

We hope.

We wonder.

Will spring come? 

And then…

One day it does!  Buds popping, trees leafing, sun shining, winds blowing.

We

rush

into

ALL

THIS

as

if

for

the

first

time!

Eager as the little ones who lead the way to exploring LIFE!

New and fresh and gloriously abundant again.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we embrace the seasons of life in all their beauty.  As we do may we trust that God uses each with skillful purpose growing us more into the image of Christ as we allow Him to work in and through us.

Jessica :)

The Way Everlasting

It is there. 

It is somewhere in the midst of seeking how He is calling me to surrender that I realize His goodness.

It is in the way He is calling me to create time and space for Him this Lent that I realize that He cares for my every need.

The things He calls me to are not burdensome.  They are freeing. 

For it is out of examine, in this space, they come.

He has been with me here—considering heart and mind.

He has watched as I name the ugly—jealousy, selfishness, and fear.

He has seen me recognize the beautiful—joy, love, and hope.

He has been near as I identify exhaustion.

He is calling me towards freedom.

He says to me, “Jessica, surrender the places of fear and walk courageously beside Me.  Trust Me and watch Me work.”

He says to me, “Jessica, see how exhausted you are?  Make time to rest.  Rest in My presence.”

I receive these words with gratitude.

I am overwhelmed by His love for me. 

And I wonder.  How does he know? 

How does he know just how to meet my every need, in every season of this life?

I think of the Psalm I committed to memory long ago. 

It used to hang in colorful letters, behind glitter, shimmering on my bedroom wall.  

He knows me.

I wrote it so I would remember.

I consider the final words of the Psalm:

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139:23-24

It is in this remembering these words I realize that Lent is learning to walk in the way everlasting. 

He has searched and tested. 

Now I will let him lead on—to repentance, to wholeness, to an abundantly good life.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we follow God’s leading this Lent.  May we discover the way of Christ is toward repentance, walking in a new way.  May we delight in the freedom it brings as we learn to live an abundant life.

Jessica :)

To Comfort All Who Mourn

It was about this time last year when I found myself trying to control the tears that just kept coming.  I had just been lost by my husband, somewhere around the bath cabinets & sinks room, at IKEA.  He must have darted down one of the many short cuts.  I was walking a bit slower and missed seeing which way he went to pursue the cabinet we had come to purchase for our new apartment. 

At that moment, something in me snapped.  The emotions began to force their way out and all I could do was duck down a row near the drying racks and hope no one saw me.  The tears came out in ugly heaving sobs and I just kept cycling a few words in my head, trying to calm myself.  Breathe.  Just breathe.  

I intentionally took breaths through my mouth, long and slow.  However, it still took me a few minutes to get myself somewhat composed.  When I felt like I could make my way to the warehouse space, full of flat boxes and palettes, without bursting into another round of tears,  I stepped out from behind the drying racks to head on my way.

Immediately, a young couple, who must have seen my emotional collapse asked, “Are you okay?”

I responded, my voice wavering, “I will be fine.”  It was as though I was willing it to be so.

Their kindness warmed my heart, but almost set the tears flowing again.  I was not fine, but hopefully I would be, maybe after I had a chance to process what had just happened.  I had never burst into tears before in public, at least not since I was a child. 

I rushed on, repeating in my head, breathe.  Just breathe.

I made my way through lighting and textiles.  As I found my way to the outdoors area, I found Jason walking back to find me.  I was agitated and I’m afraid I was not very kind to him. 

He was kind, though.  He tried to help me process what had just happened.  I couldn’t figure it out.

It wasn’t until a short time later, when I was a weepy mess over the grocery list and our menu for the week that something began to be clear. 

This was really that.

The pressures of each of these moments were doorways to the inward grief I was feeling.  The tears were outlets for the grief I was feeling about our move away from our home and life as we knew it in Utah.  The tears were for the changes I was experiencing since our move back to Ohio too.  I did not know where I fit in life anymore.

It is not unusual to grieve when change comes, whether a big change or a small one.  In fact, it is a good thing. 

Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted” (Matthew 5:4 NIV).

I was experiencing a big change; and in the midst of it, I was mourning.

Trustworthy were His words.  Comfort came.  It didn’t come all at once, but slowly, over time. 

I began to see that Jesus knew the truth of these words because He would bring the comfort.  He is as Paul says, the “God of all comfort” and “our comfort abounds in Christ.” 

It was as I was reading Jesus' words to His disciples that I began to understand this again.    

It was almost like He was speaking to me:  “Jessica, do not let your heart be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if it were not so, would I have told you I am going there to prepare a place for you, Jessica?”

In that moment, I began to take comfort in Him.  He knew I was troubled.  I did not know where I fit, but He did.  If I would trust Him, He would show me.  I could grieve.  I could wonder.  I could wrestle.  I could cry.  He would provide comfort. 

As I recognized this, I began to settle into my new home.  I began to embrace my role as homemaker and focus on the relationships and opportunities before me.  New patterns of life for a new place emerged.  

I discovered comfort was found in a person, just as Scripture said it would be, Jesus Christ.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me […] to comfort all who mourn” (Isaiah 61:1-2).

This year, I look toward the smaller changes the fall is bringing with it. 

Mostly, I am looking forward to the changes--excited; though, I know a bit of mourning will happen along the way. 

Yet, I’m not alone.  My mourning will be met with comfort, because the God of comfort goes with me, every step of the way.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we mourn.  May we discover for the first time or the hundredth that Jesus meets our mourning with comfort when we turn toward Him.  May we find peace in moving where He leads.

Jessica :)

P.S.  Thank you to my husband who let me use his photo from Orchard Beach State Park in Michigan.