Knots*

Thinking of this poem after choosing to walk into fear and out in freedom on the other side this week.  Giving thanks for moments like these as tough as they are.

The knots in my stomach—

Tighten and Constrict.

On and off.

Again and again.

All. Day.

As the thought of tonight’s event

Forms in my mind—

Drawing closer and closer,

Minute by minute.

A knot is added to a lengthening chain—

New people—new knot.

Alone to navigate a new place—another knot.

And it feels like I’d rather not go.

I’ve a swirled chain rattling my interior.

And I think I just might be sick.

So I gasp air and grab hold of Truth—

“God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity.”

Deep breath.  Relax.  Believe.

“The spirit God gives is power, love, and self-discipline.”

My mind assents.

The knot remains.

So too, the Truth.

Two forces battling—

One solid rock.

Other shifting sand.

I breathe deep and go forth clinging to Truth.

I walk in the reality of the moment—

One step in front of the other—

Anxiety is quelled.

 

Taking one moment at a time.

Immersed in that solid Truth.

The Spirit God goes with me.

Giving courage to tackle

One obstacle at a time.

His presence near.

The knots relax—slow.

Truth has won.

Peace reigns.

And the joyous glow of His victory

Burns brightly in my heart.

Sometimes discipleship is like this--clinging tightly to Truth and trusting God one step at a time.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we cling to Truth and push through fear trusting God, one step at at time.  May we discover that He is able to walk us through more than we think we can handle.  May we find joy in the freedom that follows obedient faith.

Jessica :)

*Reposted from the archives

It Stands Forever

She had Alzheimer’s disease, my grandmother—Hazel.

In the time before she passed away my mom read Romans to her.
 

Romans, that book which tells it like it is. 

There is none righteous, not even one.  For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  

Romans, that book which tells of grace through faith in Christ. 

All are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. 

Romans, that book which tells of hope. 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans, that book which encourages us to live life as worship, changed, free and following the Holy Spirit.

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death.  […]  Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans, that book which reminds us to live love.

I still remember my mom describing the peace that it brought to her mother.

I marveled, thinking of this as I stood in front of the kitchen sink reading the verse from John: “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

For Grandma, it was God’s word that remained a source of strength when the familiarity of life gave way to darkness.  This was something my mother seemed to know intuitively.

It’s funny that I should remember all this before sitting down to read this in Isaiah:

“All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.  The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it.  Surely the people are grass.  The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.”  Isaiah 40:6-8

All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. 

Yes.  Life sweeps through our bodies—growing, learning, blossoming, living—full and abundant.

My grandmother was a lover of algebra, a crafter, a baker.  She was well past doing these things during my lifetime; but I think we would have enjoyed one another, because these are all things I have enjoyed too.  From stories my mom has shared my grandma had a servant’s heart; and reading between the lines I think she must have been rather feisty.  I think of my mother and my sister—these women are like her also.

When I was very little my grandmother lived at home with us.  I have a few memories of that time—the one I remember most clearly, Grandma got sick when we were out on an errand.  I have many more memories after Grandma was moved to a nearby nursing home where we visited on the weekends.  On Saturday, my mother would wet and wind up Grandma’s hair in thin loops, before putting it in bobby-pins to curl overnight.  It was a time of cartoons, hide-and-seek, visiting and exploration of the nursing home.  On Sunday, we would return to brush out Grandma’s curls, feed her lunch, and watch American Gladiators.  A lot of time has passed since then. 

The grass withers, the flower fades—and so do we, some quickly and others over a long period of time.  Alzheimer’s disease being a neurodegenerative disorder took its toll over years on Grandma.  

The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.

But this!  As her body was failing, as her mind stopped functioning in the here and now, it was God’s word that brought my Grandma peace and hope. 

The word of the Lord stands forever. 

Forever, breaking through to Grandma’s heart, holding firm when memories faded and life was confusing and lonely and not the way she remembered it.  When people cared for her and did all the things she once did for herself and was humbled to let them do for her.

Forever.  In Christ, The Word, who lives—a sure hope that one day all things will be made new, including her mind and body.    

Forever.  In the word lived out in the lives of His people, led by the Holy Spirit—serving her out of love.

The word of the Lord stands forever.

I take courage from this.  I delight in this.  I give thanks for this bedrock truth that a life can stand upon when life itself is so very different from all one has ever known. 

The word of the Lord stands forever…bringing peace and life and hope even at the end.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we trust that the word of the Lord stands forever.  May we steep in it and find that we are like the tree planted by streams of water yielding fruit.  May we find that whatever rains and floods come we are firmly set on a foundation that will last.

Jessica :)

Scripture Reads

It is an activity I have often led in leadership trainings and participated in while on retreats. 

Often it is called lectio divina. Yet, tonight as I sit at Last Wednesday, Chuck and Andrea don’t call it that.  Instead, they strip the practice down to its core and call it what it is—listening to God through His Word.

They teach.

He is always speaking through His Word. 

“For the word of God is alive and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”  Hebrews 4:12

As we read Scripture, Scripture is reading us, they say.

They challenge.

Do we take time to stop and listen to God in His Word?

They lead.

As an auditorium of many, we stop to practice. 

We read and listen for God to speak.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:23-25

As I read, it stands out to me like words bolded on the page, calling out to my heart: 

“Hold unswervingly to the hope” and “he who promised is faithful.”

In the minutes that follow I am invited to consider what God might be trying to say to me.  I read the passage again and the context provides the key to what I think God is trying to tell me.

I don’t really like it.  This is about my attitude, my bad attitude.  I can hold to it or I can hold unswervingly to my hope trusting that he who promises is faithful.

I sit in the midst of an unwelcome confrontation.  Will I receive what I think God is speaking to me?

At the moment, I think I am very happy with my bad attitude.  Will I let it go?

Chuck challenges us to “share what you think you heard with someone from your tribe and act on it” before we go to bed tonight.  He has already shared that it is often in sharing what we think we hear that we receive confirmation (“Yes that sounds like God based on His Word and character"), correction (“No that’s not God” or further insight), and encouragement.

I am not looking forward to this sharing, but I am determined to do it. 

On my way home, I try to brainstorm ways of avoiding this assignment altogether.  However, in the end, I realize I will either do it or not, with this task there is no half-way.

When Jason asks about Last Wednesday I dodge, preferring to listen to him share why he wasn’t able to come late like he hoped.

We carry on with what is left of our evening—comparing baby items online—until I finally work up the courage to share what I think I heard God say to me.

In this, I pour out what I’m ashamed to admit to him—my bad attitude spilling out real and ugly.  Somehow it seems even uglier when it is out in the open.  I think I’m beginning to recognize this attitude for what it really is—toxic.  When I think of this, I’m not quite so happy with it anymore.  

Still, I hold to it defiantly—waiting. 

I am waiting for the words of correction to painfully whip across my heart. 

Instead, my husband gracefully draws me close and speaks.  Far from stinging censure, his words are gentle, but pointed.  His words bring the perspective I need.  They help me see what I could not see before.  What he says changes everything.  

All at once, I am broken for the way I have been rigid, inflexible and critical.  I have been trying to control this situation and in doing so I have been everything but loving. 

After I take it all in, I turn toward Jason and apologize for how I have made things difficult for him.  The tears trickle as I tell him I want to be a helpful partner in the midst of this situation.  I tell him I want to respond compassionately and live trusting the Faithful One to work out all I hope for in the midst of something I am unable to control.

In the midst of this, he affirms me and gives me encouragement.

I look into his kind eyes and realize that my dread is gone.  The toxins have been drawn out.  I feel free somehow.  I find I am softened at heart and ready to respond to all that God has spoken to me.

I wonder at it all.

I walk upstairs to get ready for bed thankful and lifting up praise for the beginning of His transformation in me.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we listen to God—in His Word—seek counsel from our tribe, and follow where He leads.  May we find that He is good and works for ours.

Jessica :)

What Matters Most

Jason and I have been reading through 1 Samuel as a part of our Old Testament reading lately. 

As we have read, I have been fascinated by Saul.  I find His story of fear and blessing, success and how he responds to it very relatable. 

When he is chosen as king before Israel he is a timid man—he hides and has to be drawn out from his hiding place.  Yet, the Spirit of God is upon Saul and he prophesies in one instance and is moved to defeat the Ammonites, who were threatening the people of Jabesh-gilead, in another.  The Lord leads Him and Saul gives the glory to God.

After Saul is made king, Israel and he are reminded about the importance of following the Lord and serving Him with their whole heart.  As time passes, Saul seems to forget this; he forgets that his success is a gift from God.  He begins to think Israel’s success is his own doing. 

           

Samuel confronts Saul after he hears of his disobedience to God’s word and how he sets up a monument to himself.  Saul tries to put a nice spin on what has happened, but Samuel knows the truth.  He speaks the truth in love to Saul—for Samuel truly grieves his disobedience.

He says,

“Has the Lord as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices

As in obeying the voice of the Lord?

Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,

And to heed than the fat of rams.

For rebellion is as the sin of divination,

And insubordination is as iniquity and idolatry.

Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,

He has also rejected you from being king.”  1 Samuel 15:22-23 NASB

 

His words are pointed.

Samuel identifies disobedience as rebellion.  He says pride and arrogance are the same as idol worship.  Ouch.  I understand this more than I would like to admit.

He tells how God doesn’t care about religious ceremony.  He desires obedience.  He wants us to listen and to respond to Him.  He wants us to love Him with our whole heart—by doing what He says.  This is what matters most.

This stands out to me.   

I want to listen and respond in loving obedience.  This is what I want to understand.  This is what I want to relate to.

So this week…

May our desire be to seek the Lord—in Scripture, in prayer, in conversation, in each moment.

May our desire be to listen for His still small voice—the one that often encourages us in places of anxiety and challenges us to do that which we would never think to do on our own.

May our desire to be respond to Him in loving obedience—trusting Him who has shown us love.

May we recognize that the results belong to Him and give Him praise.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we seek the Lord and follow Him in loving obedience.  May we never forget that our success belongs to Him.  May we never grow tired of doing what He calls us to and giving Him the glory.

Jessica :)

Knots Again

The knots in my stomach—

Tighten and Constrict.

On and off.

Again and again.

All. Day.

As the thought of tonight’s event

Forms in my mind—

Drawing closer and closer,

Minute by minute.

A knot is added to a lengthening chain—

New people—new knot.

Alone to navigate a new place—another knot.

And it feels like I’d rather not go.

I’ve a swirled chain rattling my interior.

And I think I just might be sick.

So I gasp air and grab hold of Truth—

“God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity.”

Deep breath.  Relax.  Believe.

“The spirit God gives is power, love, and self-discipline.”

My mind assents.

The knot remains.

So too, the Truth.

Two forces battling—

One solid rock.

Other shifting sand.

I breathe deep and go forth clinging to Truth.

I walk in the reality of the moment—

One step in front of the other—

Anxiety is quelled.

 

Taking one moment at a time.

Immersed in that solid Truth.

The Spirit God goes with me.

Giving courage to tackle

One obstacle at a time.

His presence near.

The knots relax—slow.

Truth has won.

Peace reigns.

And the joyous glow of His victory

Burns brightly in my heart.

Sometimes discipleship is like this--clinging tightly to Truth and trusting God one step at a time.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we cling to Truth and push through fear trusting God, one step at at time.  May we discover that He is able to walk us through more than we think we can handle.  May we find joy in the freedom that follows obedient faith.

Jessica :)

In Spirit and Truth

I’ve been thinking about the words that our teaching pastor at Crossroads shared last Wednesday.

Worship is ascribing ultimate worth to something that engages your whole being.  When we worship the character and direction of our life is changed. 

It makes me wonder what is changing the character and direction of my life.  What is it that I am worshipping? 

Is it God?  Or is it something else, an idol?

Chuck said that idols are the things we have wanted so much and when we get them, they don’t satisfy.  They are the things that if we don’t get them, they don’t forgive.  God is not like this.  He is the antithesis of an idol.

When we get Him we are satisfied.  And He is willing to forgive.  What good news!

We talked about what Jesus had to say about worship in John as he talked with the Samaritan woman:

“But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way.  For God is Spirit, so those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.” John 4:23-24 NLT

We worship in Spirit.  We worship in the presence of God, as we go about doing life sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit.  We experience Him.

We worship in truth.  We worship as we spend time learning about who the Bible says God is.  It reveals the character of God to man.  (This is a good thing, because I so often think things of God that are not true to who He says He is in Scripture.)  

Scripture is the test against which our experience of God will always agree.

So this week…

Let's live worshipping in spirit and in truth.

Let’s worship seeking Him who satisfies, Jesus Christ.

Let’s seek Him in Scripture—spending time drinking in the truth and allowing it to penetrate our hearts.

Let’s seek His presence in all we do—whether waking or sleeping or coming or going or somewhere in between. 

Let’s be sensitive to His leadings and follow in obedience.

Let’s live lives of praise because He is good.

***

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we worship the God who alone is worthy of it.  May we find that He satisfies.

Jessica :)

God is good.

(A Wrestling Story, Part 3)

It is after wrestling through what it means to receive God’s love that I begin a new book, The Knowledge of the Holy by A.W. Tozer.  I bought the book a few years back and even tried to start it last year.  But it didn’t take.  Sometimes it’s like that for me with non-fiction books.  They always resurface at the right time—so, too with this one.  I look through my drawer of unread books and I pick it out as the book for now, because I think it is a good time to be reminded about what God is like.

As I begin reading, Tozer writes of the importance of a right understanding about God:

“That our idea of God correspond as nearly as possible to the true being of God is of immense importance to us.  Compared with our actual thoughts about Him, our creedal statements are of little consequence.  Our real idea of God may lie buried under the rubbish of conventional religious notions and may require an intelligent and vigorous search before it is finally unearthed and exposed for what it is.  Only after an ordeal of painful self-probing are we likely to discover what we actually believe about God.

A right conception of God is basic not only to the systematic theology but to practical Christian living as well.  It is to worship what the foundation is to the temple; where it is inadequate or out of plumb the whole structure must sooner or later collapse.  I believe there is scarcely an error in doctrine or a failure in applying Christian ethics that cannot be traced finally to imperfect and ignoble thoughts about God.” 

As I read, I underline this.  The next night, when I am ready to move on to the next chapter, I stop.  I reread this again.  I feel challenged that to get the most out of what Tozer is saying, I need to consider what it is that I really believe about God and wrestle with it.  I need to take the things that are not true and submit them to God, asking him to replace these with what is real.

An image of the father running to embrace the younger son, who has returned home, flashes across my mind.  The parable of the lost son.

This is who I believe God to be at least intellectually.  

Yet, as I consider the way I have been living lately, it is as though I must always busy myself with something to prove my worth.  Studying.  Connecting.  Serving.  Sacrificing.  I live as though by doing all these things, I will receive the good God has for me.  It seems to me that God’s best for me is always moving on to something bigger and better, something different from the way I am living now.  This is my default.

And my default?  It looks a lot more like the older son in the parable—the one who called what he did for the father “slaving away.”  I am the older brother slaving away bitterly for God in hopes of a good inheritance some day in the future—doing the right things, with the wrong heart.  Yikes!  What an ugly thing to discover.

 

Because the truth?  God is good.  And he withholds no good thing from me.  He is always working for my good.  He is always ready to embrace me when I recognize the condition of my heart and come to receive his love.  And it is never conditional on the things I have done. 

Here it is again, hiding in the middle of this heart battleground. 

Will you receive my love, Jessica? 

Will you receive that what you are doing each day—the dishes, the laundry, being in relationship with your family, with your friends, the way you interact with your neighbor—these are good things?  You are not meant to be slaving away. 

You want to do something of purpose.  

Yet, you have opportunities every day that you do with such a bad attitude. 

You say that I am a good God.  But you live as though I am not.

You don’t need to do something new or different.

You need to live purposeful where you are today.

Remember the verse in Colossians 3?

“Whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

This is what you need to know—gratitude for your circumstances and worship in them.

So gently, he sets me free of my own expectations for myself.  I am not a slave.

He reminds me that small acts have great purpose.

Because each one is a chance to worship.

And that is enough.

*** 

Grace and peace be ours in abundance as we wrestle to discover what it is we really believe about God and give Him permission to teach us what is true.  May it lead to freedom.  May it lead to peace.  May it lead to purpose.  May it lead us to enjoy Him.

Jessica :)